23 days & counting...

Today marks 23 days that our little peanut has been in the T1 nursery. Its too long, but they are doing a great job at taking care of him and doing all things necessary to help him out in his little life. They discovered an abcess on his bum now, so they have to remove it and he has a nice little IV in his arm now administering an anti-biotic. If you have a moment,please pray for this little guy, he needs all the love and prayers he can get..its just too much for a 3 week old to go through!
He is still eating like a champ, a great burper, his sleeping is getting better. There are lots of things in this situation that we can be thankful for! He is still on morphine as well, but only once a day. His scores are getting much better. They need to be under 8 and last week they were at 19 and the last two days they were at 8-9. So, thats a great sign!
He makes me smile every time i see him. He is the cutest little thing & i cant wait till i can snuggle him full time...it works out for both of us cus im dying to hold and love him and he loves to be held and cuddled :)
God is good, even through this little life He has been teaching me so much about myself!

Our christmas visit..

Christmas day wouldnt have been complete to us without a visit to our little peanut. So, we braved the bad weather, prayed for protection and got there and back safe and sound. It was so worth it. We had an awesome visit. We sat there for over an hour just admiring him, looking over his charts and praying for him. Then he woke up to feed so after the nurse administered the meds i got to hold him. He was super grumpy cus he was starving but Ivon got the bottle ready and i fed him and held him and sang to him. He is doing alot better. His scores are coming down, they are down to one dose of morphine a day, they are reducing his other meds. He is still in the isollete because he is dealing with irritability he cant be over-stimulated, so its nice and quiet and dark in there for him and it seems to be helping his sleeping. Ive got a great eater on my hands, who at 3 weeks old can easily polish off a 6 oz bottle every two hours! Thats a really big amount. He was born at 6 14 and now weighs over 7 lbs (he did loose weight in between). He is gorgeous, simply gorgeous and i cant wait to take him home and enjoy him! The road ahead certainly isnt going to be an easy one, but God is leading and were confident this is His plan (for now) and we are going to do the very best we can! Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us and for our little peanut! It truly means alot to us!

Another update...

We can get a daily update on little peanut. The doctor does their rounds every morning and we are able to call the in the afternoon and get the latest update..so here it is:
He has been given morphine because he didnt react well to the decrease in medication. He is back in an isollete to make his environment a little quieter (he is very agitated) and to be able to monitor him a little more closely.
He is strictly feeding from a bottle and getting better and better at it on a daily basis! He still has a raised temperature and they are trying their best to get that under control as well.
Things are not going so well with mom (would rather not share the details).
We plan to go and spend some time with him on christmas day. We really want to bond with him as much as we can before we bring him home. We know now that it definetly wont be for christmas, but with all the chaos and the noise it is probably best for him. And..ulitmately we want him to feel the best he can and the nurses are doing an incredible job taking care of him!
Thank u to all of those who have prayed, it truly means alot!

2 weeks old..

Our little peanut at 2 weeks old...

Still in waiting...

We went to visit our little peanut yesterday. He is officially 2 weeks old. I feel as though ive missed out on so much of his little life already. He has changed incredibly! His hair went from being a jet black to a beautiful brownish aburn color. The shape of his little face is changing. He makes the cutest little faces with his mouth. Even though i didnt physically deliver him, i cannot beleive how in love we are with him. I think everytime i bring this up someone has a comment like, "dont get too attatched" or "wont he be leaving right away?" The reality is yes, yes he could leave and yes there may be a day down the road that we will have to say Goodbye, but for now, i am going to love him with everything in me and pray that God will allow us enough time with him to atleast make his life a little bit better. He has already been through too much. It isnt fair, but we have no control. The only thing that we have is the ability to introduce him to Jesus, and to love him, and to provide him a safe, warm home and to treat him like one of our own.
The nurses never want to give out a timeline of how long he will be in the hospital, but our prayer is that he will be home for christmas. He is being bottled fed exclusivly!! YAY!! And..he is slowly being weaned off his meds and that in itself is wonderful, wonderful news!!
Praise God for all of it!

A thankful heart...

So, with everything going on, its so easy to get lost in all the negativity life throws at us, so i decided once a week i would post 7 things that i am thankful for...
1) My incredible husband
2)A fridge, 2 freezers, and a pantry FULL of food!
3)A warm home
4)Our THREE gorgeous amazing children!
5)2 vehicles
6 My parents are only blocks away now
7)The fact that we are able to celebrate christmas

Little Peanuts progress...

We went to see our little peanut again this morning. My heart feels so heavy. This little guy is almost 2 weeks old and has already endured too much for his little life, but not giving up without a fight! He is doing much better..his feed at 5 am today was strictly bottle fed and since then he has been doing about half bottle feed/half tube feeding! Praise God for that because on Sunday he was still strictly on tube feeding! His temperature is starting to regulate, his diaper rash isnt nearly as severe and he is not nearly as irritable! What a change in a few short days. However, he is still currently on two meds and needs to be off of one in order to be dishcharged, so were praying that he continues to do well and can finally come home very soon! The nurses never want to give a time line but they arent convinced he will be home for christmas, so we are expecting the same.
We got his crib today and were excited to set it up tomorrow and then we are completely ready for him!
I cannot wait to bring him home and give him all the love he truly deserves ♥

1 week old...

We got the privelage of spending little peanuts 1 week old birthday with him:) He is doing alot better. He is on his second round of meds (which he will most likely come home with) and he ate from the bottle for the very first time today which is a HUGE step! We are hoping and praying that we can bring him home for christmas, but we will only know with time. We are waiting till he is exclusively feeding from a bottle, and today was a great start..here is a few more pictures of our little peanut :)

Update on little peanut...

We phoned the hospital and although he is doing really well considering all he has gone through, they have had to up his medication and he still is not feeding on his own. All things considered, he is quite the fighter!
The nurses are spending tons of time with him so that makes me feel well. It bugs me so much that he is that far away and we cant do anything about it. Were going on sunday to spend most of the morning with him. Im soooo looking forward to that!
So, please keep this little guy in your prayers, that would be much appreciated!

Our little Peanut....

As most of u know, Ivon and I have decided to foster. It was something we felt we were being called to do. We decided to jump in and try it. So, were almost completely licensed and now the waiting game is over. We were already placed once with two children (sibling group), but it didnt work out. Its personal so id rather not go into full detail. Well, while me and my best friend were christmas shopping yesterday i receieved a phone call on a little guy. A very little guy. He was born sunday, and for reasons id rather keep to myself he is currently in the hospital. We got the chance to meet him today. We were so very excited to meet him and were looking forward to taking him home and raising him, (he is a permanent placement). I like to keep things personal so ive decided to refer to him as "little peanut" on here out of respect for all involved.
It was instant love. I know there are chances he could leave, im confident (from all ive heard) that he wont, but there is that chance. Im not allowing it to hold me back from loving him. He felt like one of ours, and the feeling was so real. It still completely amazes me how awesome God is, and that we get the chance to love and care for little peanut.
Heres a little sneek peek.....( he was not a happy camper when i took this picture)

Slow down baby!!

Our baby is 6 months old. Sigh. She is just growing too fast, and being the second child it seems as though all the milestone moments are coming and going way too quickly. I thought it would be fun to share some adorable/favorite things about our baby girl:
*She loves to eat
*She chews on everything and this little habit formed seconds after her being born
*Everyday that goes by, i miss nursing her
*I smile everytime she smiles
*Daddy has nicknamed her "Boo Boo"
*She has just started to laugh out loud
*She went from Daddys girl to mommys girl (Big smile)
*I sneak up on her all the time when she is sleeping
*She hates getting dressed
*She loves her soother
*She just started experiencing baby food and the faces she makes are priceless
*She shows no interest in crawling
*Bathtime is one of her very favorites
*She doesnt like to be on her back
*She is extremely close to sitting unassisted
There is not a day that goes by that i dont thank Jesus for giving her to us ♥

This is just the beginning.....

Our journey with fostering has almost began. We had a social worker come out to our home on Monday and meet with us and the kids and get a feel for what kind of children will be placed with us. We discussed many things in depth and i felt so much more at peace after she left. Our paperwork is nearly completed and we are getting very close to being placed. We were almost given the opportunity to care for 2 boys ages 3 and 1 but provinical requirments dont allow more than 3 children under the age of 3. Then we got a phone call the next day about two girls, ages 5 & 4 also sisters, and we were very excited about this opportunity but it also fell through. So, we wait, and we lean on God. I know that God is hand picking these children to be placed in our home and to us, thats really exciting. I know this is going to be one of the hardest things i will ever go through in my life. Experiencing issues, attatchment, love, tears, joy, and then..goodbye. But, "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.."
Until then, its fun getting ready and preparing our home and our hearts for these children and the amazing opportunity to give them a small piece of their life they may have never been given the chance to experience before.

When the timing is perfect....

We applied for our fostering licence some time ago, through an agency in winnipeg. We never heard anything, they were very hard to get a hold of and never returned any of our calls. They finally called us 7 weeks later to let us know that they wont be able to look at our application for atleast 6 months. Thats a really long time, because following the application we need to do home studys, training, etc. So, we decided it would be best to move on to a different agency. We found one through a friend and we decided to place a call, once again, no return phone calls, etc. So, i started to pray about Gods plan. What He wanted and the thought actually crossed my mind to return to work at the end of mat leave, but there was no peace at all about that decision.
So, one night after the kids were in bed i hopped onto facebook. A friend started to message me and we got on the topic of fostering, so i told her about all the stuff we were going through and she told me about the agency she was going through with one of her kids. So, we placed a call the next morning, they actually answered the phone and we got some great news!! We have a social worker coming to our home on Friday to meet us and the kids and have us fill out an application and start the process!
Once again i was reminded that its truly Gods timing, and Gods plan, and i have no control really over any of it.
I love when He teaches me new things and when i listen to Him thats where i find total peace :)

Update

So much has happened, and the change never stops. There is always something, but if our lives were predictable they would never be exciting!
Rylen is officially potty-trained! After tons of patience, lots of prayer and even more consistency, he is longer in diapers. Actually, this thought has brought me to tears, we will never buy our baby boy a diaper again. *Sigh*
Our daughter is getting bigger and bigger literally almost by the day. She is a great eater..a not so great sleeper, and she is making alot of interest in wanting to sit up. We have started her on rice cereal full time. Her smile makes my heart smile, cheesy i know, but my children represent pure joy in my life.
We have finally been able to reach the fostering agency we planned on going through and we have been advised that there are 150 applicants ahead of us so our application will take atleast 6 months until they can even begin to look at us. We were not wanting to wait this long, so we have decided to go ahead with another agency and close our file at the previous agency. I was angry, simply because they are practically begging for foster homes and its atleaset 6 months??!!!
We leave for the states this weekend and were really looking forward to it!
Cheers to more change and even more adjustment.....

Menu plan *Oct 12-23*

So, last week wasnt as smooth as the prior week but it still went really well and i am loving menu-planning. It fits right in to all of the other organzing thats happening in my life!
Here it goes for the next two weeks:

Monday Oct 12 - Thanksgiving dinner
Tuesday Oct 13- Thanksgiving left-overs
Wednesday Oct 14 - Fish sticks & sweet potatoe fries
Thursday Oct 15 - Homemade Chili with fries
Friday Oct 16 - Sloppy joes (using left over chili)
Saturday Oct 17 -lunch - Chicken Ceasar Salad
- Supper - dads thanksgiving
Sunday Oct 18- lunch - Taco Salad
- supper - grandmas thanksgiving

Monday Oct 19 - Sweet n sour pork with rice
Tuesday Oct 2o -Leftovers
Wednesday Oct 21 -Pancakes n turkey bacon
Thursday Oct 22 - Homemade pizza
Friday Oct 23 - Fish sticks and ceasar salad
Saturday Oct 24 - Vacation
Sunday Oct 25 - Vacation

Menu plan for the week...

Ok, so the first week of menu planning came easy, and it was very successful. It was super fun preparing for it and i enjoyed deciding what we would be having, etc. So, now its week 2 and im hoping for the same...

Monday - BLT sandwiches and hashbrowns
Tuesday - Fryer chicken n corn on the cob
Wednesday - Broccoli Divan
Thursday - Garlic sausages n noodles
Friday - Tuna casserole
Saturday *lunch* Chicken nuggets n sweet potatoe fries
*supper* Beef n cheddar wraps

Sunday *lunch* Hotdogs n fresh veggies
*supper* Taco Salad

The past week...

This past week has been super busy!! My parents came home from BC, so we got to see them the following day and were going to be spending today with them to celebrate all of our birthdays. My dads was on the 20th, my birthday was on the 23rd, my moms is on the 5th and Ivons is on the 15th. So, were having supper at moms today and im bringing the birthday cake..im making a ridiculously, diet-free desert :)
My husband did the sweetest thing ever and surprised me with a blackberry curve for my birthday/ christmas present. It is my new baby. I love that thing so incredibly much! Im such an organizational freak so its the perfect thing for me!! He got lots o kisses for that one!!
Yesterday my bset and i went to the city for a girls day. We both brought our baby girls and it was such a nice, relaxing day! We went there with the intent to go and get her sons halloween costume and we just ended up looking around and hanging out. It was awesome! I ended up finding Taiyas costume in the city too..i originally wasnt going to get her one but i fell in love and couldnt help myself so now im super pumped to dress up the kids and take them out for a bit and then head home to hand out candy:) U will have to wait n see the pictures of their costumes :)
We have cancelled all plans for sunday (except for church of course) and were going to spend the day relaxing and enjoying our family. Cant wait..cus the next 3 weeks..well probably till christmas is going to be insane..but then atleast if its insane im not suffering from boredom!

The arrival!

So, my parents left for Creston, BC 3 weeks ago and they have arrived safely and we get to see them today! Yup, i know its only 3 weeks but its the longest they have ever been away. The kids have changed so much since they left and i cant wait till Rylen gets to see them, he is going to be so excited!
So, i am off to get a few things done around the house and wait for them to arrive!

Menu Plan Monday

I got a great idea from my sister in law to do "menu plan mondays"..i love to organize, so im going to try this out...

Monday: Spaghetti & meat sauce

Tuesday: Lunch meat wraps & chips with dip

Wednesday: Chicken fried rice

Thursday: Cream of Broccoli soup (homemade)

Friday: Pizza (ivon gets to choose what kind)

Saturday: No plan..we are going to be in the city this day

Sunday: lunch: Pizza buns
supper: Broccoli soup (homemade)

Love & Sacrifice

I think my husband is such an incredible man. I am sooo lucky God sent him to me. I probably dont tell him this enough, i try so hard not to take advantage of him or his love.
He has been working tons of overtime lately. Its not that we need the money to survive but he is such a great provider, and he wants us to be able to do the things we love guilt-free. This last week he worked 10 hours of overtime with no complaints. He has ran himself on 5 hours of sleep so that he could work overtime and spend time with his family. He never complains or whines, he just does it. His drive and determination are so amazing. I often wonder why God would send someone so incredibly amazing to me. I often feel so un-deserving of this incredible man.
As cheesy and cliche as this sounds, there are no words to describe how much i love my husband!

25 things....

I thought because its my 25th Birthday that it would be fun to share 25 facts about myself that u may or may not know....

1♥ Im incredibly over sensitive

2♥ Im addicted to ice cream

3♥ I thought Ivon was totally dorky before we hooked up (he knows this fact)

4♥ I worry about everything, but Joyce Meyer is helping me with this one :)

5♥ I cannot stand eating in front of other people

6♥ I treasure my relationship with my mom

7♥ I am very analytical..not always in my favor

8♥ I love candlelit bubble baths

9♥ I love scented candles

10♥ I dont regret being married or divorced, it brought me to where i am & id do it all over again

11♥ My favorite moments with Ivon are our "pillow talk" times, when we spill everything

12♥ I have an extreme phobia of loud noises and i will avoid them at all costs (including balloons popping, fireworks, etc.)

13♥ I hope that we become a bow hunting and fishing family

14♥ Im inspired by goals, ecspecially written ones, they always seem to happen

15♥ I love moxies margaritas

16♥ I care too much about what people think about me

17♥ I abosolutely love to clean my home, im obsessed with organizing and totally consider myself OCD!!

18♥ I cant go a day without makeup unless im super sick

19♥ I am really looking forward to being a foster mommy

20♥ I feel privelaged to be able to stay at home and raise my children

21♥ I could bake for a living

22♥ I could spend hours talking to my best friend and never get bored with her company

23♥ I really want a puppy that our children can grow up with

24♥ I secretly like when Rylen gets sick because he is super cuddly!

25♥ I am excited to start a new year and it still has not sunk in that im 25!

Some good..some not so good....

I have been feeling really gross lately. Very upset stomach, major headaches, excessive hair loss, stomach cramps, fatigue, restlessness, irritablility. It was all really bugging me and i started to wonder, could i be expecting?! A little panic set in, but i did some googling and discovered, its my lovely birth control. So, ive thrown away the pack and going to go with a different contraceptive. I do not want to live every day like that!!
I got some great news today. I went on sick leave before i had Mataiya and when i applied for my claim they said that i would have 15 weeks of sick leave and then proceed onto normal benefits. Well, ive been keeping track of everything online and i was looking into it a little bit more because it said my claim was only good till the end of december and that didnt make any sense. So, i called today and she said my claim runs out in the middle of March! YAY!! Thats going to be so lovely, so even if the fostering process takes a little longer i wont have to worry!! Such a huge blessing!!

Fever??!!

Yup..thats right..i have a fever...none the doctor can cure, i have baby fever. My baby is only 4 months but its snuck upon me and ive praying about it ever since. I dont feel complete, and we have convinced ourselves that (God willing) there will probably be a third, but when???....
We discussed it repeatedly over the last week, everything from timing, to finances, to age, etc and we are leaving it up to God to make the ultimate decision for us.
We were on our way into winnipeg today and while we were driving i started praying (about fostering) and God said "I am calling you to save these children as i have saved you." Behind my sunglasses i started to cry. How beautiful is that, that God has chosen me. For what i still dont know, but it feels so honorable to be given this role.
I really want to foster, and i want to put my whole heart into it and give it the best shot i can. I feel as though if i get pregnant, im going to be taking away from this child whoever this may be.
So, im gonna kick the fever and wait to see what God has planned...

Beyond the chaos is a purpose...

Some people know me a little better than others..and thats ok. For the most part, im a private person, i keep alot of walls up and dont know any different. My best friend & my husband are the only ones that can knock those walls down. But, for those of u who do know me know how badly i struggled with post-partum depression with Rylen.
It was rough, and i ended up going back to work full-time when he was only 6 months old. Ever since Mataiya was born i have thought of going back to work on several occasions (ecspecially through the colic) and realized as much as i thought about going back to work and convinced myself it was right, I felt God telling me otherwise. I fought this hard, trying to plea with God to give me peace about going back to work. Nope. His plan is different. All the road signs have been taken down and im suppose to stop in my tracks and raise my children and become a foster mother. Okay, now those of u who know me also know im a worry-wart and i dont do well with financial burden. So now, God has opened my heart and my eyes to foster children, and raise mine and financially we will be ok. God kept telling me "just trust me". Ugh..but its so hard. I knew He had a plan. I have just received an opportunity to baby-sit full time for a friend of ours beginning in May. WOW!! Going from a woman who had a hard time staying at home, doesnt always do well off of no sleep and worrys about everything, God has placed all of this in my hands. I know, beyond all of things i have no control of, God is taking care of us. He is giving me a purpose. Beyond fear, i am excited and looking forward to it all. I am so lucky to have an encouraging husband who does nothing but take care of me and allow these opportunities to grow and when im scared i know he is always there to catch me.
So, our future is going to be a little crazy. But, beyond the craziness and chaos there is a purpose....

God is calling and apparently we are answering....

After much prayer and deep discussion we have heard God calling us to foster children. We have started the process and we are very excited about this. We have had all doors open to this process and feel as though this is going to be the right thing to do for us and for our family. We know its not going to be easy, probably more hard than easy but we are prepared for it. We have no idea what to expect or what is going to arise throughout this process because its something totally unpredictable, but we do know that we have a warm, safe loving home that these children can experience atleast a little bit of hope.
We are in admiration of our friends who foster and we hope that we are able to help these kids as much as they have.
God is giving us a major opportunity & we feel blessed to be able to experience it :)

September long.....

So, we decided that for September long weekend we werent going to sit idle, and we didnt. Saturday we went to town and hung out..did a little shopping, ivon made a roast for supper, then went to church . Then, on Sunday we went to the zoo with my parents and then to their house for supper and then walked to Mcdonalds for icecream. We also said good-bye to them because they are leaving for BC for 3 weeks. And then today we headed to St.Malo for a day at the beach with the kids and it was SO fun! It was a totally different experience taking Rylen to the beach this year than it was last. The fresh air got to both of them and now they are peacefully sleeping :) Love those weekends full of family time and bonding...

Reflection. Praise. Celebration.

So our vacation has come and gone but every moment was amazing. God tagged along and joined us, blessing us with beautiful weather, awesome conversation, a time to reflect and praise him and to celebrate our marriage! We had a great time..it was perfect, there was nothing we would have changed. Everytime i think of this vacation it will bring a smile to my face :)

The growth. The love. The blessing.

So, our baby is almost 4 months old. How time flies. It feels like yesterday i gave birth to her and seen her beautiful face for the first time. Things have changed so much, she is a full time smiler, she has discovered her hands and how to bring them to her mouth (after going cross eyed a few times) and just recently she has discovered her voice and loves to tell me lots of stories in between smiles and coos :) She is still waking up a night but the colic has left our house (thank the Lord) and she is so different.
I am completely wrapped up in my childrens love. I still do have the desire to go to work (part-time) and we have decided i will after christmas, but i do enjoy being the domesticated house-wife, mother, etc. But....my husband makes things so much easier for me to enjoy my title. He takes night shift, he is so hands on with both of babies, he is so confident as a parent and to be honest its something i am a little envious of. I am not. I know i am capable of taking care of them but i am incredibly intimidated to be a parent. God and I are working on this issue together but its certainly not happening over night.
Rylen is starting to talk in sentences now and put words together. Its hilarious to watch him master this and its so normal to us. I laugh out loud everyday at something funny he has said.
He loves his baby sister so much and he is very protective of her, i am so blessed that he isnt jealous at all. He knows that he is very loved and that is definetly my baby boy (secretly i would love to have another boy ♥ ) .
I still look at both of them and cant beleive their ours :)

A new journey....

So i have decided to kick it into high gear and finally start getting serious about weightloss. After working full time in the weight loss industry i just wanted a break from the consumption it was bringing to my life and causing me so much grief in general.
So..it began last week and im already down 5 lbs! Im stubborn..really really stubborn so i can do a great job at saying no to things i know i shouldnt have. Im human and i will fail but i know how great i feel at my goal weight, how much sexier i feel for my husband..how much better i am for my kids. Its amazing how it affects ur entire life!
After Mataiya was born i was EXTREMELY exhausted..i know to most moms with a new born this is a very normal side affect, so at first i just brushed it off and chalked it up to her birth. And then, it was increasingly getting worse and starting to worry me. This was after 6-8 hours of straight sleep (ivon takes the night shift) and 2 naps during the day i was STILL dragging my feet and i could never get enough rest. Now i am thinking maybe i have cancer, maybe i have a severe infection my body is trying to fight, maybe i am pregnant again, i couldnt figure it out. Well...i have cut out most starches from diet (breads, pasta, cereal, etc.) and i feel 100 x better. I can get up early in the morning and last till evening. Some days i could go for a nap (what mom doesnt enjoy a mid afternoon nap) but for the most part i feel not too bad. So, i will probably always try to avoid them and stick to other sources for my carbs (fruit n veggies)!
I am excited about all of this...and i am excited about the reward..when i get to my goal weight (which is 20lbs away) i have to rubber bins FULL of clothes to wear AND my husband has promised me a little shopping trip followed by dinner at moxies..cant wait :)

Happy Anniversary!!

Well..its been a year...since i married my best friend!! I know it sounds totally cheesy but its so true..he really is my best friend. I love that he is always my soft spot to land when i cant seem to do things on my own. He is wonderful. Amazing actually, and sometimes i find myself taking him and my marriage for granted. I am happy. I love that i can always count on him and find the best in myself when i don't feel strong enough to believe in myself.

Marriage is such a blessing, and i feel blessed to be Ivons wife and the mother of his children. I scare myself so much when i think about the terrible thought "what if something happened to him." I know it could, but i hate thinking of it and i have to stop myself from worrying about it.

What a year its been, one baby later and having moved 3 times i finally feel settled in my life. I feel content, and Ive been waiting years to feel this way. Its been alot of hard work, but God has guided us and He has made all things possible

As i reflected on our past year i thought it would be fun to re-read our wedding vows:

"I take you to be my husband, loving you now and as you grow and develop into all that God intends. I will love you when we are together and when we are apart; when our lives are at peace and when they are in turmoil; when I am proud of you and when I am disappointed in you; in times of rest and in times of work. I will honor your goals and dreams and help you to fulfill them. From the depth of my being, I will seek to be open and honest with you. I say these things believing that God is in the midst of them all. "

Its been a while

I figured its been too long since i last blogged so it was time to spill my heart :)

Well..our baby girl is almost 2 months old and wow what a change its been . Knock on wood she has been sleeping a little longer and grumpy a little less. It makes the transition easier. I am still healing and still so very tired but i am having such a great time watching my children grow. Rylen has taken everything so well. We recently moved as well so he has had a lot of change in his little life and all things considered he is doing such a great job at taking it all in stride.

There are times i do miss just me and Rylen and after humbling myself enough to express it to Ivon we have agreed that there is going to be some time set aside where Ivon will take Mataiya so Rylen and I can share some time alone. I realized that after me feeling this way i am sure Rylen is feeling the very same way so we needed to do something about it. So, tomorrow morning Ivon has appointement in Winnipeg so Rylen and i are going to stay behind and enjoy the morning together.

Mataiya has just started to smile and it makes all those times that arent so fun so very much worth the frustration. She has the most adorable dimple and i try to capture this grin on camera but of course its our little secret for now and she isnt about to share it through a "kodak moment."

Ivon and I have being doing great..its wonderful being married to ur best friend so you can confide in them with all things. Truth is i am very self-concious as a mother and lack alot of confidence in my parenting so he is always there for me and thats such a great feeling..between him and God ive got it made and i manage to get through everything quite well. We have been starting to set alot of goals now that were settled into our new place and Mataiya isnt such a newborn and its so exciting to dream about our future and focus on our goals.

So..all in all things are well..i wouldnt trade any of it in and i would do it all over again if i had too. God is good and he reminds me of this everyday when i see my children smile ♥

Falling in love....♥

When Mataiya was born Ivon took 2 weeks off to be with us, and to help us adjust as a family. Our two weeks are coming to a close and Ivon is returning to work Monday evening. Im nervous, he has been such an incredible help but that is what is going to be normal for our family and i am desperate for some sort of routine in our lives.

As these two weeks came and went I watched my husband fall totally and completely in love with his daughter. I got to sit on the side lines and watch this beautiful bond forming. He became more responsible in these last two weeks, and over-protective over all of us, ecspecially her. He started taking more initiative and wants to strive to become a better man. They often say that when a man becomes a father to a little girl they change but i never really beleived it, but its believeable!

Its so beautiful watching him fall in love with her..it makes me fall in love with him all over again and reminds me everyday why i fell in love with him in the first place ♥

Our baby girl is finally here!!

Mataiya Valori Rayne made her way into our lives May 8th at 12:30 am weighing in at 8lbs 3oz & 21" long!! I was 10 days over due but as miserable as i was the wait was well worth it!

My birth experience was incredible, all that we had prayed it would be we got. I ended up having to be induced with cervadil (which i was really nervous about) but it allowed me to still "walk the halls" & use the birthing ball, to be able to sit or stand to make me comfortable. My birth experience was terrible with Rylen and we had prayed against all of those things. It was the complete opposite with Mataiya. I delivered her without drugs..yes i am still VERY proud of that! It happened very quickly, my labor was only 5 hours long and i pushed for 5 minutes. God has blessed me with a quick recovery, and an amazing baby. She is a great sleeper and eater and barely crys. She just squeaks. Me and Ivon call her "beaker squeaker" cus when she is hungry she beaks around for food and when she is upset she squeaks. LOL.

In one of my previous blogs i had mentioned that my bond with Rylen didnt come naturally, it had to grow and it took a while. My bond with Mataiya was instant and i continue to fall more and more in love with her. Rylen has been adjusting really well. A little smothering but thats his personality, so affectionate and loving and always wanting to show his love so i dont discourage his kisses and hugs for her. Its a fight to take her away from him when he is holding her but its a form of bonding so i allow him to hold her for sure two or three times a day and the most precious thing is the biggest smile on his face the entire time she is in his arms, and how he giggles when he touches her.

Watching Ivon with his daughter is so beautiful. No one has his heart like she does and i knew it would be that way. I sometimes have to beg to have her back but you can feel the bond when you are around them.

I love my little family, and i feel so blessed!!

"Our God is an awesome God"

Seeking God...

Today i am officially 2 days over-due. However..i can see that there is an end in sight! Yesterday i went to the doctor and got a lovely internal done :) I am between 1-2 cm dialated, my cervix is getting really soft and baby is engaged! These are all wonderful signs that my body is doing things on its own..praise God!
Yesterday he also did a "membrane sweep "...so far nothing has come of it, but they say that it could take two days before something happens. Apparently Im getting really good at this whole 'waiting thing'..lol
I have another appointment Monday morning, if baby hasnt made her way into the world by then my doctor is going to schedule an induction for next week. I am trying to let my vision go of things happening on their own because i dont want to be dissapointed. God could very well bring our baby to us through induction and i am coming to terms with it. I still am praying that i will get to experience a drug-free birth that happens on its own timing, but i have no control over this.
Ever since Sunday we have received numerous calls & text messsages asking if baby has been born, and yes sometimes its slightly annoying but i took a step back yesterday and realized that God has blessed us with so many amazing people in our lives who are just as excited as we are to welcome this child. Its so wonderful to have such great support and positive encouragment.
My mom has truly been a God sent, i dont think there are words to thank her enough for all that she has done, ecspecially these last two weeks. I want so badly to thank her but words arent enough and no material gift would ever be good enough.
Thank u to amazing friends and amazing mom!!

A little update...

I figured i would just write a general update on how things are going since last week.
I struggled alot this week with patience and strenghth..i prayed so many times this week that God would continue to give me patience and that this time of waiting wouldnt consume me. So many wonderful things happened this week. Monday, my parents decided to come out and spend the week. What a blessing that was!!!! My mom is such a great distraction technique:) We did alot of shopping and running around. She came with me to my doctors appointment on Tuesday. My doctor said that everything looks good. That i am now full-term and baby should be just fine if she was born now. If this baby doesnt come by next Tuesday he is going to sweep my membranes (YAY)..if that doesnt get things going and if i havent gone into labor on my own after that then he is going to induce the following week. Induction scares me, i was induced with Rylen and it was a TERRIBLE experience!! So, another thing i have added to my prayer list.
Wednesday i went to see the chiropractor and he gave me great releif for my back!!! Ahhh....
Today, Ivon and I went to meet with our pastor (still doing our premarital classes..lol) and instead of doing a session with us he did something a little different. He anointed me with oil and prayed over me and baby. It was soooo beautiful!! I feel so at peace and spiritually i feel ready as well. He prayed that i would find patience and trust God for His timing!! I finally dont feel agitated with the whole situation. So..this week has been good. Another great thing..this will be Ivons last night on Midnights and he goes back to his regular shift on Monday!! Im looking forward to spending the weekend with him..and the only thing we plan on doing is relaxing and cleaning the house!!
Thank u for your prayers:) God answered so many of them this week!!
Praise God!!

Impatient Tears.....

I cant honestly tell you how many times i have cried this week. Due to frustration, and impatience. I promised myself that i would stop complaining so much about my pregnancy, ecspecially now that its going to be drawing to a close in the near future. Its so hard not to though, its just like planning your wedding or any other major life change, it unconciously consumes your life and all that goes with it. I cant sleep properly anymore, my back, my thighs and hips hurt so bad that i am taking 2 x extra strength tylenol just to get through the day (i do this twice a day). Rylen cant sit in my lap anymore..well sometimes he does but with great diffuculty.
This morning i broke down...I cried so hard in ivons arms because i feel like one more day of feeling like this i am going to loose it. I hate feeling tired and miserable all the time. I must pray about 5 or 6 times a day that God will give me patience, turn my grouchiness into joy and allow me to enjoy these last few weeks with her moving inside my tummy. A feeling i longed to have and never thought i would experience. I am being taught so much.. patience, to be thankful for what i do have, and that if God truly didnt think i could handle this, that He never would have blessed me with our children. Its so silly that i feel this way with only 9 days left to go before her due date and it should be so easy to see that light at the end of the tunnel..but im not seeing it. I beleive that in some ways Satan is trying to take this from me, and as much as i turn to God i dont think i am turning to Him as often as i should be.
So..if u have a minute, please pray for me. I would appreciate that very much:)

24 Days to go...

So..last Sunday i went into labor!! We came home from my parents (we go there every Sunday) & we put Rylen to bed..popped some popcorn and pulled out a board game. We do that almost every weekend too...its our time together away from TV and time for us to connect and laugh..its brought us closer together. Anyway..i started getting "gas-like" cramps. I went to the bathroom and they started getting worse. We were halfway into the game and Ivon was talking to me and i couldnt even hear him i was in so much pain. I was starring at him with a blank look on my face. Quite funny actually. I told him how i was feeling..he set me up on the couch with a hotwater bottle and a pillow and nothing was helping. It was then that i thought "Am i in labor?"...I got up off the couch went and layed in bed and it got worse. Ivon ran a shower for me and came in with me. He started to time them..they were 5 mins apart lasting 50-60 seconds long. He said "babe..thats not gas..your in labor." I started laughing just like u did:) So..i started breathing through them and relaxing and the shower did WONDERS!! So he called his mom..he frantically ran around packing a bag just in case, and his mom was here within minutes. They were intense by the time i left. So, we get there. They do a "non stress test" and they start to ease up. I felt embarassed..thinking i was FOR SURE in labor. I guess i started to get my hopes up too.
They were still there..but really far apart. They had me do a urine sample and said "maybe its a urinary tract infection." I was like "What? No..im in labor!"..so they checked me..i hadnt dialated by cervix had softened alot. The test came back positive for a really bad bladder indfection. Hmmm...not at all what i was expecting. What happened was the bladder infection never showed any signs other than back pain, and in pregnancy ecspecially at the end u have a really sore back. There was no burning, no cramps, nothing. So..it caused my uterus to contract..it did put me into labor but it stopped itself. Weird. So, im on round 2 of anti-biotics..feeling much better. And, now we have 24 days to go until due date. Ill be honest and a little hopeful i think it will be earlier than that, but God will bring her when she is ready. His timing is always perfect. In the meantime i am praying for patience..i have felt so anxious and impatient and sooooo excited to meet her its gotten the best of me! But..24 days isnt that long!!

Anxiously awaiting....

So, we went to the states and had a wonderful, wonderful time!! I prayed so hard the night before for everything...our safety, our time together, that God would reconnect us, Rylen and his safety and sleeping (does NOT sleep well away from home) & that we would find great deals while we were there!!
We arrived and came home safely, Rylen had an awesome time and slept ALL night both nights!! And..we found too many good deals:) We did alot of shopping, we ate great, slept well, had fun gambling & reconnected emotionally and that was much needed!!
I had this silly worry that while i was gone Rylen would forget about me, i know..how silly but now that he is getting older i didn't know how he would react. When we came to pick him up he ran to the stairs and he yelled "daddy.." jumped into his arms and then seen me..he threw himself on the floor and started bawling..and whimpered "mommy.." like i wasn't coming back..i cried too:) It was a nice to feeling to be loved and missed that much. He was asking for us on Monday when we got up and continued throughout the day with his famous.."mommy, where are u?"..LOL
We put up his big boy bed and he took to it like a pro..barely fought it..and then set up the crib in the nursery. I LOVE their new rooms!! They are sooo nice:) Rylen loves his new room!!
Now..we are anxiously and excitedly awaiting the arrival of our little girl!! Our home is ready, our hearts have been forever. I am starting to feel a little impatient, but i turn to God on a daily basis and remind myself that when He is ready she will be here!! It will be well worth the wait!!
I feel good...just really excited!! Cant wait to meet u princess:)

A little on the sad side...

So..im having a melt down. Silly i know, but i didnt just want to journal it tonight, i wanted to blog it.
I realize that conception and the birth of your own child is miraculous. A true gift from God, probably one of the best, and i dont take this opportunity for granted, but i find myself so physically done!
I suffered from a severe sinus infection for almost 2 weeks. It was really, really bad for 10 days and then with the assistance of anti-biotics i was over it in 10 days. I felt so gross..i could barely bend over, i couldnt sleep, i barely ate. I got better and thanked God for bringing my health back again. Well..im sick again. This is the weekend we are suppose to go to the states, and as excited as i am to spend some time alone with Ivon there is a part of me that doesnt want to go. Im so tired all the time, exhausted is a better word. I am reminded all the time that its only going to get worse in a few weeks but with Ivon working all night and sleeping all day i feel so alone. Its my fault, having a social life scares me. I can barely do the dishes anymore, i have no desire to clean my house & anyone that knows me knows i am a serious neat freak and i take pride in such a clean house.
I really must seem like i am feeling sorry for myself, i promise im not. I wish i could go to bed, sleep all night and feel like myself again. I am going now to say a little prayer that God will take some of this away and replace it with happiness...

Our getaway....

Ivon and I have decided to head down to the states in the middle of march to do some last minute baby shopping. The baby stuff is reasonably cheaper, and we wanted one last chance to go away before we become a family of four. Exciting right??!! In a sense no. Why?!! God has answered my prayer. In a previous post i had spoken about how mine and rylens bond didn't come naturally, it had to grow. When i became pregnant, we had already decided i would take advantage of the 15 weeks of sick leave before i went on maternity leave. So, that we did. I have worked full time since Rylen was 6 months old and i have never really been a stay-at-home Mom. This has been one of my biggest hearts desires, to form a bond with my child and raise them on my own. These last two months with Rylen have been amazing. Some days, even weeks, have been really rough but for the most part we have had such a great time together. More and more he started to get really attached, running to me instead of Ivon, crying when i left, etc. I didn't realize how much we had bonded until we started planning to go away, who would take care of him, etc. We knew we wanted to go alone, so we needed to arrange child care. I started to panic..."i cant leave him.."...."what if something happens..." etc. Ivon pointed out that something had changed. Its such a beautiful thing to watch God intervene and create a bond between Rylen and I. So now, as we take our little getaway i am praying for peace that everything will be OK...

My little trooper....

This week has been a really rough one. It started last week when i thought i might be coming down with something..just a common cold..but it started getting worse instead of better and thats not normal for me. By monday i was bawling uncontrollably because i was in so much pain. My face hurt, my head was pounding, my teeth were aching. I had a doctors appointment the next morning so i just figured i would wait. So, turns out i have a severe sinus infection. I was prescribed anti-biotics and today i feel SO much better!! I had a root-canal done 2 years ago, and because anti-biotics weaken tooth enamel that part of my mouth is bugging me, but with a little tylenol i can manage. I wasnt the only ill one in the house. Rylen started coming down with something. He also started to get worse, and when he is really sick, he starts to get lethargic, barely speaks, doesnt sleep well, only wants to be held. I do love this time, because i can cuddle him all day and he doesnt move an inch, but at the same time no mother likes to see their child ill. He started running a fever yesterday morning and that is not normal at all for him, and i couldnt bring it down. I asked my mom to come down to help me out (at this point i still wasnt feeling well) and so they drove from winnipeg for the evening. We had supper, and she had also commented on his fever, and we took his temperature and it was high. I waited a little and about an hour later his breathing was becoming labored. We brought him to emergency and were lucky enough to get in right away. His fever still hadnt come down, and we were blessed with AMAZING staff (nurses & doctor) and they checked him out thoroughly. He was whimpering by this time. Turns out he had a bad case of croop (for the 2nd time in his little life) and they had to put a ventilator mask on him to open up his air way. He was trembeling in fear and we couldnt calm him down, but he got through it. They gave him a liquid steroid also for his air way, and some tylenol to bring his fever down. We brought him home and he was ok. But..he didnt have a very good night. I was so exhausted by this point, trying to fight off my own sickness as well..Ivon got up with him at night and was up for most of the night. I feel so blessed to have such a great husband. He takes such pride in his family, and he ALWAYS puts us first.
Rylen was much better today, and were hoping by the end of the week we will all feel better:)

Making our house a home

So, these last few weeks i have been organizing our home, cleaning up our things and settling in. Ivon is going to be school this fall and i want to make our house a home because we anticipate being here for quite some time. Maybe the next four years, before we decide where we want to live permanently, and where God is going to take us.

I grew up moving every year, something i grew accustom to and started to do myself. I call it the "unsettled spirit" and to be quite honest, i really dont like it. I can never make it "ours." So after many open discussions we have agreed to make this home until Ivon is done school, which potentially could be in five years. It scares me, it really does. In the last year alone we moved 3 times. Its normal for us now. But, i dont want it to be normal for our children. I want them to call this home and to make memories and a life here. I remember being that child always moving, and as exciting as it was, it was really not easy. It made me painfully shy (something i still deal with today) and i never felt settled.

So, i have been cleaning out closets, putting matching hangers into our closet, bringing stuff to the MCC, and writing a list (a very long one lol) of all the things i want for our home. We have agreed that every pay day we would purchase something for the house. As little as kitchen utensils and as big as a new TV ( we hope to have that before baby comes). Its really quite exciting actually. We got matching hangers for our closet and new face cloths (that match) for our bathroom. Through this all i am also learning patience. Not all of these things are going to come at once, but we will appreciate all that does come when its here:)

The joy of children...

I have been so anxious these last few days. Realizing that 10 weeks is far away, but really..its not. I am in the last stretch..the third trimester, and i cant wait to meet her. She is such an active baby, doesnt stop moving. Has some lazy days, but those are far and few between.

I was watching Rylen play yesterday, giggling to himself in the livingroom and i thought to myself..."i cant wait till there is two of them." I know its going to be alot of work, but all the joy that Rylen brings to our lives out weighs the work for sure. He has been such a different boy lately, so happy and so well-behaved. Im scared he is going to wake up changed, but he keeps getting better. He most definetly isnt an angel but he is so silly and so funny. He makes me laugh all the time. Everyday for the last two weeks he has learnt a new word, yesterday was "bath" and today was "car." I just love watching him learn and explore, its so neat to see the world through their eyes.

Alot of people ask us about potty-training and moving him to a "big boy bed." but honestly, im just not ready. I think potty-training might come first but im not in a rush to have him grow up too quickly. We are teaching him and telling him that he is a "big boy" but he is still a child, and sometimes we forget that he isnt even 2 yet. He is so smart, and so very stubborn like the both of us, and when he is good and ready to do something he will do it. We can teach him repeatedly but its when his timing is good for him that he will accomplish the task at hand. I do love that about him though, he isnt a mimick, he wont say or do everything you tell him to, he does it when he wants, and some situations in life that is a great character trait. It will surprise me greatly if he grows up to be a "follower." I totally think he is going to be a leader. A sensitive leader, but he will be a leader.

Oh the joy and blessing of children. God is good. What a privelage it is to raise children.

A different kind of Valentines Day

So...we had today all planned out. Or, so it seemed. We were going to get cleaning and errands done in the morning and then we were going to our best friends foster son's birthday. Okay, none of that really happened, at least not the way it should have. We both didn't sleep well at all. Something i have really been struggling with for the last few weeks. Rylen woke up too early this morning (5:30) and my lovely hubby let me sleep in till 8. They were both tired when i woke up. We got a call to go for breakfast with Ivons mom and step dad. So, we joined them. This is when my back really started to hurt. I don't have the regular back pain that comes with any pregnancy, i have this beautiful little girl pinching my sciatic nerve. It is at times, excruciatingly painful. I fought through the pain during breakfast, came home, layed Rylen down. Did a little cleaning while Ivon napped. I took some Tylenol (i have to in order to survive) and then i fell asleep on the couch. The boys woke up, Ivon just left me sleeping and they snuck off to Dames party. I was a little upset when i woke up because i was looking forward to going, and then i realized, this is Ivon telling me he loves me. To allow me to rest and take care of me. I never do. I don't like putting myself first, and its not that it bothers me, but my body screams at me to take it easy. And, so i did. They were gone most of the afternoon. I got supper started before they came home, and by this time i could actually move. Rylen got me a really sweet card, and ivon got me beautiful body spray and a nice card. We weren't about doing gifts this year. We are still wanting to buy a big screen TV and get the baby's room complete before she comes. I used to be so materialistic when it came to Valentines day, and God really changed my heart. I didn't want to be that way anymore, and i wasn't one bit disappointed. We made an amazing supper and then played a board game. I took a long hot bath, and now..were off to bed..yes at 9:30pm..were hoping tomorrow we can actually wake up feeling rested. That will be such a nice change:)

Support and Strength

Today was a really good day. I have no complaints. Every Friday we are doing out premarital class with our pastor that married us and today unfortunately was cancelled. That was a bummer. We both really look forward to that every week, and for the next two weeks we wont be attending either. My parents had already made there way out here to watch Rylen for us, so they just stayed the day anyway. I had a chiropractor appointment this morning, and i just love going because it usually means that relief is on the way. I didn't experience that today, it was rather painful instead, but we finally were able to figure out what the problem was. So, when u can figure out what the problem is you can usually figure out a solution. Following that we went to the mcc and looked around. We often do that, once a week for sure, there are some great finds there if you can catch them. We headed home, i made stew in the slow cooker and then had lunch with my parents. Oh, my lovely parents. My mom has this amazing way about her when she comes that i just love. Being her child, i am still first in her eyes, and it makes me feel good. She basically just takes over with Rylen and allows me to rest. My husband is also amazing in that sense. I am blessed. I need to really remind myself of this more often, because more often than not i am neglecting to open my eyes to the things i already have in my life.
I was able to take a nap today, and my mom helped me make supper and then my dad cleaned up supper. It was lovely. I am lucky. Having support like that makes things so much easier. I am really looking forward to having my husband here for the long weekend. We are dedicating this weekend to spending time together, and quality time with Rylen. Makes it a little more special because it is valentines day weekend, and I'm a hopeless romantic:)
I am thanking God for such a nice day. For all that He surrounds me with, and for the gift of love in my life. Thank you.

Just an ordinary day....

Today we didn't do much...but sometimes that's a good thing. I wasn't able to take a nap today and it affected the outcome of the entire day. My blood pressure has been all over the place, high, low and anywhere else it wants to be and it really affects my mood and energy levels. I am praying (literally) that tomorrow will be a better day. I am trying very hard to stay positive. I know that in a couple of months my life is about to change drastically, but I'm really excited about that. Very excited about that. I am constantly reminded to hold on to the wonderful blessings i have already been given, and i do, maybe not as much as i should, but when your not feeling well its hard to focus on joy. This weekend is going to be fun. We have lots planned, and have scheduled in some rest time as well, and that will be nice. Ivon is off this weekend for the long weekend, and its going to be quite the treat to be able to go to bed together every night. Not something that happens very often. Its getting harder and harder for me to stay up and wait for him, but soon this pretty little girl wont give me a choice:)
I got started today on a few little projects for her room, and i loved every minute of it and just want to keep going, but I'm lacking a few things and need to wait till tomorrow to get them. Cant wait!!
Rylen and i had some craft time today and we made a valentines day card for daddy. We arent done yet, need to add some coloring and sparkles, but we had fun together..well..i had fun making the card and he had fun playing with all of my scrapbooking stuff.

My baby is growing up....

I decided that i wanted to re-organize today. I love to organize and have everything "just-so" and my son totally takes after me in that sense, maybe its because i take things too seriously sometimes and he witnesses things but he is often in the cupboards stacking things and placing things, and his sippy cup has to be on his tray in the perfect place, but i love that about him. Makes him unique and maybe one day his wife will thank me (or despise me) for it.

As is was downstairs going through things, i was also getting things ready for our daughter. Pulling out the basinette, seperating all the infant clothes, etc. And i found myself reflecting on how big our son is already. He has grown so much, and even in this last week, has changed durastically. He has learnt a ton of new words. He waves and says bye-bye every time he leaves my sight and blows me a kiss. He just spends all day talking and playing, and in the midst of doing of the dishes and keeping up with laundry i find myself neglecting to really enjoy these moments with him. I would have to say my absolute favorite is when i am in the kitchen and he comes up and hugs my leg and kisses me for no reason. It is such an act of love, and Ivon and I often talk about how sweet and affectionate he is and how we hope he never changes his character. Always willing to give love, even at his young age. Dont get me wrong, im making him sound like the perfect child, he has a temper, and just recently started hitting us every time he gets angry. I turn my head and giggle to myself because he is so serious, but were finding ourselves crouching down explaining to him that its not nice. His feelings get hurt and then he crys. I am going to make sure that tomorrow, i really treasure him....

Trying to embrace the blessing

I am 29 weeks along and i am finding myself getting somewhat impatient. I am very excited to meet our daughter and complete our family, i think this will be it for having children.

I have been so exhausted these last two weeks that i can barely make it through the day. I am so thankful and so blessed to have such an amazing husband. I want to do everything on my own, and most of the time im too proud to ask for help. I dont want him to see me as a failure. I know in my heart he wont but that is the issue i need to overcome.

I started getting anxiety attacks again. The same thing i had with Rylen, but thankfully these came later and i can sense them coming on. There isnt anything that i can do to prevent them, but as far as treatment goes i am going to ask my doctor tomorrow if he subscribe me a mild dose of medication for them.

Pregnancy is hard on me, physically and emotionally. I feel as though i sound so ungrateful, but that is the furtherst thing i am trying to get across. I am so very, very grateful, and i do try everything to embrace this season of my life but it doesnt come easy. I wonder sometimes if this is satans hold on me, to prevent me from enjoying this time in my life. I know its almost nearing the end, only 11 more weeks until we get to meet our baby girl! That keeps me motivated!!!

I often find myself in her nursery, just adoring her tiny little clothes and the car seat waiting to take her home in! We are starting on her nursery next week. I have so much heart and soul i want to put in there, and i know that if i continue to focus on that as my project it will go by faster!

I am asking for prayer, as a woman and a mother, to help me be patient and to accept and embrace this time in my life with joy and patience.

Our baby girl!

So, my dream ever since i was a little girl and as far back as i can remember was to have a daughter. On tuesday we found out that this dream is going to be coming true...were having a little girl! I really wasnt expecting that at all! I was completely prepared for another boy and looking forward to giving rylen a little brother, and then to find out that this little brother was now going to be a little sister was such an incredible feeling!!! I cant explain how excited i was. I cried and then thanked God repeatedly for once again, being so amazing! Its wonderful to relate to her as a person, not as "baby." We originally wanted to keep it a surprise but, the suspense was killing me and i wanted to be prepared emotionally and i wanted to prepare Rylen as much as possible. He said "sister" for the first time today and it was so sweet. I am convinced he doesnt know the meaning but i think his sweet, affectionate personality will welcome her with open arms. I have already started shopping and its way too much fun! I think other than finding out with Ivon, telling my mom was the most incredible thing. She was and is still so very excited!

I cannot wait to meet her!! Thank you God!!

Our God is an awesome God!

I feel blessed today, and felt as though i should share it. I sometimes stop and take a real look at my life and realize how amazing God is. Its so easy to take Him and His love for granted, and then in times of pain to run and He is always there, but then in times of joy we seem to forget. Atleast i do anyway. I am trying to work on running to Him with every detail of my life, and slowly its beginning to get better.

I was married once before, do i regret it? Not at all. I feel like at that time in my life it was meant to be, and that it was going to last. It wasnt until i realized that we both weren't ourselves with eachother anymore. There is more to this story of course, a little too personal to share, but I left. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life, but since when is standing up for yourself easy? He was a great man, but not a great man for me.

I lost myself, dated someone who completely took all my dignity away, and all that i had become. I was vulnerable and allowed him to control my life, but constantly God kept sending in people to disengage this relationship and i was too proud to walk away. Eventually, he left. I suffered through pain, allowing myself to believe i was "in love" with him. And then God added to this story and.....a long came Ivon.

Ivon and I went to the same school together. We shared some mutual friends but there was never anything there except a little "hello." I never thought twice about dating him or even being friends. Not that i didnt like him but he was a little older than me and at the time i had a friend who was interested in him.

We met again years later, shortly after i had my heart broken and i remember that night like it was yesterday and constantly reminisce about it. God became real for the first time in my life. We were at the K.R. Barkman park, talking with a mutual friend. I was so broken, and in so much pain, and as i talked and listened, and cried shamefully, I was sitting on the picnic table and God said "he is the one." and i was so confused..and aked Him.."what do you mean, i dont understand?" Clearly and without hesitation He said, "He is the one i have chosen for you." Wow...powerful!! I just had my heartbroken and God is here to tell me this! I was excited to hear it but in too much pain to respond. It started off with a friendship, and then we dated, shortly there after we were engaged, and 2 years and 1 beautiful child later we were married.

Our wedding pictures were taken in that same park, and its so wonderful to have heard God say that that night because everytime i feel as if i want to give up or become frustrated in my marriage i am reminded of that night and God's clear words. "He is the one i have chosen for you." and that is more than enough to keep me going, that God was in the midst of our love story:)

My little man Rylen

Our bonding never came naturally. I dreamnt of those moments that my child would be born and there would be immediate love, but that wasnt the case with us.

It started off with a pregnancy that wasnt what we would call welcomed with open arms by everyone, and then an 80 lb weight gain, followed by a traumatic birth. It wasnt the greatest start to our life together, but we found the strength in God to keep going and everyday we rely on God to help continue our bond. I am finally starting to experience those real feelings of love that i had desired so much, and its an incredible feeling. I never told alot of people about my experience or the fact that i suffered sever post-partum depression, but i am no longer ashamed of it, so i share it now because its brought us to this point.

God is sooo good!

My life currently.....

I am currently 28 weeks pregnant with our second blessing. I am a mother of one son, Rylen and i am happily married to my husband Ivon.
Blogging is new to me and while my active, 2o month old son takes a nap i figured now would be the time to try. I really enjoy journaling and writing so i thought i would fit the description perfectly!!
Today i feel extremly tired and while i sit here eating an apple and enjoy the tiny movements of feet in my ribs i am thinking of napping, but i wont go because i am not very good at napping during the day. So, i will enjoy the peace and quiet instead